Mosswhispers called louder on this new day of the new year! ….
November came and I made some sort of decision. I’m not going to write or paint anything new until I ‘finish’ what I started. My brain convinced me, even against all the wise whispers I was hearing, that I needed to finish something completely and not keep rambling and writing on. So I stopped. I stopped to make workshops happen, though I refused to do the marketing that was needed to draw in more people, because i needed to prepare for the workshops.
I stopped. I stopped to focus on getting my first two books into ready form for printing hardbacks. I researched a zillion ways to self-publish. I checked a variety of different ways to make giclee prints of my paintings, and professional images for book publishing.
And at each point I stopped. I wanted more advice. I wanted assurance that the choices I was making would work. And then I gave up. Time was running out. I needed to delve into living and loving. Time to get ready for family for Thanksgiving….then recuperate…then get ready for family for Christmas…move furniture, sort through things to give away, clean out drawers, and bins, and move beds, pianos, and cupboards, sell sofas, empty rooms, paint the fireplace bricks! Meanwhile, sort pills for my chronic lyme, fill prescriptions, fix cars, visit my parents, Alex’s parents, grandbabies,…
Time is and was full! Life is and was full! Being with as much family as I could filled me with great joy and gratitude. That stays with me even as the moments are over. I could write about the special times…and keep writing…and yet what I’m wanting to get to is NOW.
Now…today, January 1, 2014.
And even to write about NOW, I need to paint some of the background:
Something began going through my body 3 days ago…great pains, stiffness in my neck and spine like I’ve never felt before. My whole brain stem and spine seemed swollen and screaming out! Something needed to be let go! Something needed to move on out of me! And the moving felt very stubborn, old and not so willing to go. The pain persistently unpleasant. The struggle significantly sifting throughout my body. Fever, joint pain, cramps, sharp pains, dull pains…all needing to have its say before it would go!
As this pain was persisting, I could feel something else at work within me…something that wanted to line things up in a purposeful, positive, proactive way. For as my body was frozen with pain, and heat was weaving in waves trying to find a way out as beads of sweat on my forehead and sore tingling through the hair follicles on my head…breath was still moving in and out of me, a healing hand would touch to tenderize the pain, and my thoughts came clear even through dull aches in my face and forehead.
I began to see things that needed to be addressed and I was amazed to watch myself tackle them…creatively dealing with finances, asking for advice and help from those sharper and more creative than I, still washing clothes, sorting through boxes, making phone calls. I noticed I began to think more long term than before and articulate issues for us to focus on to create our lives as we want them. I won’t settle for staying stuck, nor will I allow wallowing in mud. Deafening our lifesongs with depressive broken records will not serve usI Time for more spontaneous connection with people that matter to me. Oh, that I will continue connecting!
So now…is the pain gone? No, not gone…but it’s just being in its place. It’s gotten my attention. I’m moving now, and I’m fine to let it move on out when it’s ready. Healing is happening…on all levels so I know my body will heal as well. Life does that on all fronts I’ve come to realize.
So…out goes the old, the part that doesn’t need to be anymore, and in comes the new, the unknown, the next adventure. And it won’t all be shiny either. New pains may replace some old ones…but they too will move on…just as the precious moments that i love so!
Are all things finished? Is the pain gone? Do I know what are the best choices to make? Do I know where I’m going? Not really.
What’s clear to me is that life still is as it is, and that it probably won’t be as it was, and I don’t need to stop living to finish anything…I can trust more in the process.
And I don’t even have to write, do, say, or be anything profound!
A whisper will do…loud or soft! and THAT is PROFOUNDLY ENOUGH!